1 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Vorozhbit’s adaptation of Nikolai Gogol’s 1835 story “Vii” as Vii in 2013 is set in contemporary
Ukraine. Vorozhbit, in her adaptation of the story in a modern-day setting, includes visitors from
France to play on foreigners’ views and preconceptions of Ukraine.
GALKA MOTALKO
Natalya Vorozhbit
(2002)
Translated by Elena Susanna Weygandt and Henry Nash, Sewanee:University of the South
Dramatis Personae:
Sveta Cometa – champion
Galka Motalko – newcomer
Mila Batsila – third one in the room
Fencers: Sabre Fencer
Soccer players: Gena-Hamlet, Andrukha Repin
Running Coach
Аlso: an unfortunate Shot Putter, Foreign Trainer, Aunt Tanya (the dorm superviser),
Vice Principal.
Motalko. On my birth certificate it’s written: Galina Matalko. “О”. But of course everyone
pronouces it Motalka with an “а”. No one has yet called me Galina. And so it happened that my
whole life I’ve been Galka Motalka. That seems offensive but it’s just the opposite. Very
recently I’ve become an athlete. I ran better than anyone in my grade and that’s where my trainer
noticed me. Now I study in the National Athletic Boarding School. I’m a sprinter. Right now I’m
the worst runner in the group. But I think that I’ll run better because I’m going to train seriously.
The teacher from my old school gave me good grades on the promise that I’d leave. So much the
better. Now I’m starting a new life because in my old one I was often an idiot.
I like it at the boarding school. Everything here is different from my previous life. There are
great girls and odd balls here – the guys, I mean. Lots of good-looking ones, even though that
doesn’t really interest me anymore.
Athletes are really different than regular school kids. Probably because they’re more mature.
Because they’ve already decided their path in life. For example, right now my former classmates
are smoking, doing homework, and sleeping around, but the kids from the boarding school train
2 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
five hours a day and compete in championships. For the sake of their future. Because in sports,
the earlier you start, the more you’ll achieve.
The boarding school is like heaven compared to the rest of my life. Before my life was grey, but
now it’s become bright blue like the sky above the grounds of our sport complex. I’ve only been
here for a short while and they’ve already given me free equipment including Adidas sneakers. It
blew my mind!
They feed us five times a day here. They serve us red and black caviar, or chocolate candy. My
trainer told me that I need to gain weight. And so I eat like an animal. They put me up in a room
with two older girls: Mila Batsila and Sveta Kometa. We have the same trainer. Sveta is fucking
awesome! She’s 16 and already has a Master’s in Sports.
The school here is located in the same building as the dorm, only in a different wing so you don’t
even have to go outside. The girls live on the second floor of the dormatory, and the guys live on
the third, fourth, and fifth floors. There’s more of them.
After boarding school you can matriculate into the second year of the Institute of Athletics
without needing to pass any tests. This is my dream.
A LESSON IN LEGIBILITY
Track and field training ground. Whistling, commands, hollering, the stamping of feet on the
ground and other characteristic sounds. Motalka and Kometa sit on the mat and are putting on
cleats instead of sneakers. Batsila is doing sit-ups. Motalka observes the fit athletes with
interest.
Cometa. No, you better not look at those ones. Those are the Dulls.
Motalka stares at her quizzically.
Cometa. (patiently). The Dulls are track and field athletes. Their nickname was given to them by
the Knives.
Motalka stares quizzically.
Cometa. The Knives are the soccer players. The Dulls gave them that nickname. After they
called them the Dulls. Meaning … like… sharp, not dull … you know, like knives. Never
date any of the Dulls. They’re so dull! … Date only the Knives. They always travel abroad
and bring back presents for their girlfriends. They’re generous. But the Dulls, they’re
cheapskates. They almost never go anywhere. Whereas the Knives – they’re really cool
dudes.
3 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Motalko. But how can you tell the difference? What’s the difference between the Dulls and the
Knives?
Cometa. First of all, you can tell by their smell. If a group of guys passes by and you can smell
their sexy cologne, you know they’re the Knives. They always give off a good smell. But
if a group of guys passes by and all you can smell is sweat – then they’re the Dulls. They
don’t shower after training. Got it? You can also tell by their pants. If a group of guys
passes by you and you see stains on their knees – they’re the Knives. But if a group of
guys passes by and their pants are up to their nipples – then they’re the Dulls. Got it?
Motalko. And who’s that guy, in normal pants but not in a group?
She points somewhere in the window.
Cometa. No way – that’s a fencer. We’ve got nothing to do with them. They’re kinda shady!
Remember, Galka – you’re to date only the soccer players. They have a future. For
instance, take my Hamlet – he’s an awesome striker.
Motalko. Why “Hamlet”?
Cometa. Because his dad is an idiot…
Trainer’s voice: OK, girls, get up! 3 x 100! Enough sitting around! Three sets of three by one
hundred. The third set will be timed! Let’s go, Kometa!
Kometa goes to the start and gets into position.
Motalko. Sports boarding schools are the best! It’s as they say, it’s hard to get in and very easy to get out.
For example, I was told that a certain shot putter was kicked out because she had a hickey on her neck.
You have to be at least in the sixth grade to study here, so it’s grown-ups only. Gymnasts, however, start
in fourth grade, but they have higher standards. Von Redkina has already mastered the sport at age 11.
Skaldina and Timoshenko are international students and, according to Comet, they have the most promise
out of all the gymnasts. Gymnasts are scary thin and have to weigh in before each workout. If it’s
someone’s birthday, they eat lots of cake and olivier salad, then promptly go to the toilet to throw it all up.
The career of a gymnast is short. They have until their twenties, and then they become coaches. Comet
says she’ll last until she’s 30 and even compete in the 2004 Olympics. Of course, that’s not gonna happen.
In the athletic arena. The girls are at the finish line of their 100-meter race. They speak while out of
breath.
Cometa. How’d it go, chief?
4 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Trainer. Bad, Cometa. A complete disgrace. 12 and 3 hundredths.
Cometa. Well, the pads were loose… And my back…
Trainer. Excuses.
Cometa. No really, the pads were…
Balitsa. How’d I do, Andrei Nikolayevich?
Trainer. Pretty good, Butsilova, 12.42
Cometa. Those fucking pads, damn it…
Motalko. And me? What did I get?
Trainer. Amazing, Motalko, you got 14 and 1
Motalko. One what? One hundredth?
Trainer. A tenth. Barely makes a difference.
Cometa (encouragingly) Good job, Galka!
Trainer. Right, take a breather… (massages Comet’s shoulders, causing her to yelp suddenly) Butsilova,
get up. “Fleas” – 3 sets of 15. Alright let’s go guys. (heads towards the exit) Remember, I’m always
watching.
Motalko What’s a “flea”?
Cometa Listen closely. It’s an awful exercise that Borzov came up with. It’s helpful for runners, but
Goebbels I hate it. (Comet demonstrates) One leg goes straight back, the other is bent like this. Then you
have to jump repeatedly. The higher you go, the tougher it gets.
Trainer (from afar) I’m always watching!
Motalko Aha, I think I got it! (she does it once then curls up in pain) Goebbels! Fu-!
Comet performs the exercise while Motalka imitates her poorly.
Trainer (hysterically) Hips! I said use your hips!!
Motalko. Athletes are constantly going to camps, and they can go whenever they want. In November, for
example, they’ll be in the Carpathian Mountains and Yalta in the spring. I, however, have yet to go
anywhere.
The lights at the boarding school go out at 10 o’clock at night. There’s no way I can go to bed that early
so we lay there and gossip. In the morning, they turn on the lights and start banging on the door with their
5 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
keys at 6:45. The first time it happened I thought a war had begun, but nope, I just have to go workout,
then go to breakfast, then workout again, then second breakfast, then go to school, then lunch, more school,
afternoon snack, workout again, then dinner. After dinner I can do anything I want until 10! Me and the
other girls usually hang out at the stadium, as long as we don’t get caught.
On the first floor of the dorm there’s all sorts of medicine cabinets and you can get checked out by the
nurse pretty easily. If you don’t want to go to school you just have to show up to the nurse and say that
you ate some bad meat or something. You don’t have to prove anything. You just have to drink some
manganese solution and act convincing in front of the nurse. For that you’ll get an excused absence for the
day.
What else? Teachers are the same everywhere. Bunch of freaks. There’s this funny, fat vice principal. He’s
nice enough I guess. I also like a certain member of the fencing team. I haven’t told anyone yet, but I think
he likes me too. Goebbels, I’m simply shocked! (to clarify “Goebbels” is the word we use in place of
“fuck” so we don’t get in trouble.)
SMOKING KILLS
Room 217. Repin sits on the bed cuddling with Mila Batsila while they chew tobacco. Cometa and Hamlet
kiss. Motalka sits on her bed and does her best to pretend to be comfortable.
Repin. Eat, bitch!
Batsila cries and throws up.
Cometa (sluggishly) Don’t, Repin. She’ll choke.
Repin. I told her that if I see her going to sleep I’m feeding this to her. Eat damn it!
Hamlet (yelling) Well, you’re full of shit!
Repin forcibly feeds her the tobacco until she stops resisting. Finally, she rolls over and begins making
strange choking noises.
Hamlet. Stop it you clown! We’re in room 413…
Motalko. Can I go with you guys?
Hamlet. 413? It’s pretty small.
Comet and Hamlet exit the room.
6 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Repin (shakes a pack of cigarettes) You going to sleep, chicken?
Batsila groaned and shook her head.
Repin. Nicotine is deadly to horses, did you know that?
Batsila cries heavily.
Repin. Go wash up and be in room 413 in 10 minutes. Got it? (walks away, giving Motalko one more look)
What’s the matter? Jealous? It’s ok, there’s someone I know who has their eye on you…
Motalko tries to smile gratefully.
Balitsa (picking tobacco out of her teeth) He’s actually a prospect. They invited him to the double. So
that’s why… Hamlet is crazy but Sveta still loves him. He just doesn’t want me to pass out. He’s generally
a good prospect. At first I didn’t want to go out with him. He asked me out and I declined. Then they threw
cutlets at me in the dining room. Can you imagine? I dressed up in the evening, put on makeup, curled my
hair, stole some perfume from Comet without asking, and went to the dining room. I was in a good mood.
I walked in, didn’t even have time to say hello to anyone, when cutlets started flying at me from all over
the dining room. I stank for a week after that. I had to date him. Otherwise, I would have had to wash
minced meat off myself every day.
Motalko. Goebbels, Balitsa!
Balitsa. So watch out, in case the cutlet-throwers take a liking to you…
Motalko. (categorically) Yeah I don’t want that. I generally like the fencers more.
Balitsa. Are you stupid? They’re gross!
Motalko. But they’re smart.
Balitsa. Smart?
Motalko. Fencing requires you to think..
Balitsa. Think? Yeah they’re still gross. They’re also kind of dull.. Swimmers are better. At least they
have nice figures… Ok, I’ll go shower and meet you in 413.
LESSON IN CONSISTENCY
An apartment that someone’s parents are leaving. On the table: Few snacks, many empty bottles. They
drank everything and went to the deli. Only three remain.
7 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
One foil fencer plays the guitar. Motalka tries to listen but is interrupted by some sabre fencer.
Sabre fencer (bothering her) Come on, Motalko, let me show you…
Motalko. Leave me alone!!
Sabre fencer. Let’s go to the bathroom, you know the one?
Motalko. I don’t go out with classmates, stop!
Sabre fencer. Oh, come on! You don’t want it? Fine, you’ll regret it! You’ll regret it, I’m telling you!
Pours a glass.
Rapier Fencer (singing)
The snow melts outside the window, falling on your eyelashes,
let you dream of something else tonight,
I’ll say “I’m sorry” as if we were just acquaintances,
as if there were no special feelings between us.
Motalko. I write poems too! Can you teach me something on guitar?
Rapier Fencer. Learn to drink first.
Motalko. I am drinking!
He gulps the glass of vodka and washes it down with some pink drink.
Rapier Fencer (singing)
I met a rose, it was blooming, full of fragrant charm,
I said to the rose, “Farewell, farewell, I will return soon, do not forget me.”
And now I enter the garden again, but I cannot find my beloved rose,
they broke the rose, ruined the flower, ruined the flower, the thorny thorns are no longer there. Oh rose,
rose! I cried out, “Why didn’t I pick you, rose?!”
I was afraid of the thorny thorns, I was afraid, oh rose, rose – you are not mine!
And now, boys, I will tell you to break the roses, destroy them,
break the roses, destroy the flowers, destroy the flowers, when those roses are 15 years old.
Motalko (enthusiastically) Will you teach me?
Rapier Fencer. Ok look. Exhale, take a big sip, smell the bread, or bite into a cucumber, and only then
exhale. Under no circumstances should you wash it down or mix it with port wine.
8 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
SPORTS LOVE
Room 217. The coach paces around. Comet shaves her legs.
Trainer. What is that smell, Sveta? I asked you, what is that smell?
Cometa. Perfume.
Trainer. You think I’m stupid?
Cometa. Well, I don’t know!
Trainer. You smoked in here!
Cometa. What are you talking about?!
The coach picks up an ashtray from behind the curtain. He starts shaking angrily. Comet bursts into
tears.
Cometa. The boys arrived last night. I tried to stop them, but they started smoking anyway. You know
how they are.
Trainer. Specifically, last names!
Cometa. Don’t yell at me!
Trainer. I’m talking about the last names of those bowlegged morons!
Cometa. Because if you yell at me, I’ll have another breakdown, and the competition is in a week! (cries)
Trainer. Have you no shame?
Cometa. I don’t smoke!
Trainer. Who smoked? Tell me, who smoked? Was it Motalko?!
Cometa. I told you everything I know!
Trainer. I need names!
Comet fell into bed, pretending to have a nervous breakdown.
Trainer (frightened) Comet, stop! Don’t worry about it! I won’t yell anymore! I believe you, don’t cry.
The competition is coming up soon. You know how I feel about you, what you mean to me…
Cometa.You hate me!!!
Trainer. I hate you? I scream “Use the hips, Comet! The hips!” in my sleep and then my wife won’t talk
to me for weeks!
Cometa. You should go back to your wife instead of hanging out in the dorms.
Trainer. Don’t cry, let’s go to Victory Park on Sunday and ride the roller coaster…
Cometa. Will you let me have ice cream?
9 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Trainer (indignantly) Ice cream? Are you a cow? I won’t allow it.
Cometa. I’m miserable, I’m fat, I can’t even have ice cream! I want my mom!
Trainer (sternly) No ice cream. I’ll get you frozen juice.
Cometa. Because it’s cheap?
Trainer. Because it doesn’t make your ass grow! Did you take your vitamins?
Cometa. (nods)
Trainer. Go to bed, then I’ll leave.
Cometa. Meow, meow. (waves her hand coquettishly)
Trainer. Would you like me to make the bed?
Cometa. Oh, stop it! Am I pregnant or something?
The coach waves his finger threateningly – leaves.
The wardrobe opens. Inside is Hamlet. He jumps onto the bed from a running start. He laughs like an
idiot.
Cometa. Quiet, he’s probably still listening.
Hamlet. Why’d he call me an idiot?
Cometa. He calls everyone an idiot. He uses it instead of “kids”.
Hamlet. C’mon let’s smoke.
Cometa. Enough. The boss already got caught.
Hamlet. Don’t be a pussy, I want to smoke.
Cometa. I’m not being a pussy. Aunt Tanya is on duty.
Hamlet. Then I’ll go to the dormitory kitchen. Anything goes there!
Cometa. Then get out!
Hamlet kicks Comet. He grabs her by the hair, shoves her head between his legs, and slaps her butt.
They both enjoy it and have fun.
FIRST LAPSE
Motalka and the sabre fencer are alone in an apartment. The fencer is sprawled on the sofabed. Motalka sits on a chair. She’s holding a glass of vodka. She’s so drunk that she can
barely see straight.
Sabre Fencer.
Let me explain one more time. I’m a sabre fencer, and there are also épée fencers and sabre
fencers. Sabre fencing is the most prestigious style of fencing. The épée is also held in high
10 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
esteem, but the sabre, that’s just sludge. A sabre, on the other hand, is a very versatile
weapon. In sabre fencing, one counts the number of touches on the opponent’s body. The
épée is a dueling weapon with double-edged blades. Strikes should be made with the ends
of the épée and can hit anywhere on the body. With sabres, you can only strike above the
waist, as it used to be in the days of cavalry combat.
He sits her down next to him on the sofa.
In short, the sabre is gallant slashing, the épée – gallant puncturing, and the sabre – that’s
pure gentry stuff, like when they used to step on a lace handkerchief made of cambric. I’m
a sabre fencer. Got it?
He puts his arm on her shoulder.
Motalko. All sabre fencers have crooked legs and shoulders. And anyway, you’re all kinda
shady.
Sabre Fencer (jumps to his feet). Check this out (stands in position). All the time you’ve got to
be like… (he starts air-fencing, getting into it), like this, and like this!.. Take that! (Motalkа is
spellbound watching him) There, I stabbed you… That’s how the straightest legs become
crooked. And the shoulders are crooked because of the heavy bags. Do you know how much all
the equipment weighs? That’s right, a shitload.
Motalko. A regular d’Artagnan. (She chugs the way she’s been taught.) Damn!
Sabre Fencer. Do you know where épées and sabres come from? In the Middle Ages warriors
would wear armor, which made it almost impossible to puncture and kill one’s enemy. So the
sword tips would get thinner and thinner. You had to jab the enemy by penetrating the chinks
and gaps between the armor plates with the edge of your blade. This led to the invention of
épées, which finally replaced swords. And Spain became the homeland of sabres. A sabre is very
lovely – its handguard looks like a cup, and, holding it, it feels like your hand is in a steel glove…
With those words Motalka experienced her first memory lapse. It was short. When she
temporarily regained consciousness it was dark in the room, she lay on the sofa, and someone
was pleasantly wheezing on top of her.
Sabre Fencer (with a forceful whisper). Don’t be scared, Galka, I’m not going to do anything to
you, let me just unbotton…
Motalko. It’s not my shirt (she tried to resist, but experienced her second memory lapse).
When she regained consciousness the room was sunny and the radio was broadcasting:
Because it requires both athleticism and combat strategy, fencing is sometimes called “chess
with muscles.” And in truth, a combat between two fencers may be compared to а lightning
tournament between chess players, when decisions must be made in a fraction of a second
11 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
and the smallest mistake can lead to instantaneous defeat. The utility in fencing culture
exceeds the limits of fencing as a sport…
Motalka noticed her shirt, all but one of whose buttons had been carefully done up.
VITAMINS
Track and field training ground. The girls sit on the mat.
Kometa (with envy and trying to be objective) Taranovskaya… Is she really that pretty?
Batsila and Motalko. O please!
Kometa. But girls, look how she runs!
Batsila. She’s got hair on her boobs.
Motalko. What do you mean?
Kometa. Exactly what I said. There’s black bristle around her nipples.
Batsila. She shaves it.
Kometa. No, she plucks it, I’ve seen her do it.
Motalko. But why does it grow?
Batsila. Because she’s on all sorts of stuff.
Motalko (with horror). You mean, she’s doping? Isn’t it forbidden?
Batsila. That’s why she runs like a horse.
Motalko. That’s awful! It’s so unfair! I mean, take you, Sveta, you don’t take any drugs, you
work like crazy, but she’s the one getting all the medals!?
Kometa. She’s going to the World Championships this year.
Motalko. Well, great. She’ll get tested there and they’ll disqualify her.
Motalka and Batsila snigger knowingly.
Motalko. You mean they won’t?
Kometa. Sure they will! They’ll test her, but they won’t find anything. She’s not an idiot.
Motalko. Kometa, what were those pills the boss was giving you at practice?
Kometa (lazily). Vitamins.
Motalko. (To Batsila). You see? Vitamins. That’s what I was saying.
Batsila snorts. Kometa suddenly punches Batsila right between the eyes.
Kometa. Vitamins! Stupid cow…
MUSIC
Room 217. Mоtаlkа is learning to play the guitar.
Over a long period of time, with incredible tenacity, Motalka learns how to strike three chords
and sing at the same time. It’s clear that she’s been at it a while. The neighbors are pounding
on the walls and doors.
12 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
The song is WALK PAST ME by the Russian pop group Evita:
You walk past me, you walk past me and say hi maliciously,
But even I can see the tears in your eyes,
“I’m sorry,” I say to you, as if we barely know each other,
as if there were never any special feelings between us…
This goes on until this simple melody is memorized and everyone gets sick of it.
YALTA. TRACK AND FIELD МЕЕТ
The girls arrived just today for the training meet in Yalta but have already met the great
wrestlers from Armenia. They’re so small, and their ears and noses are broken. They treated the
girls to some pastries, took them for a carousel ride, and promised to take them out for a stroll
around the city at night. But their asshole of a trainer, аnticipating thеir happiness, took away
the girls’ shoes for the night. Even the cleats, which can only be worn on the rubbery surface of
the stadium. It’s dark. The girls lie on their beds and angrily snack on bags of mixed nuts.
Kometa. Son of a bitch!
Batsila. Asshole!
Kometa. Retard!
Motalko. Idiot!
Kometa. He even took our cleats.
Motalko. Maybe we can leave through the window?
Batsila. Sure, barefoot, at night, in February!
Kometa. I’m gonna get him back!
Motalko. O yea?
Kometa. After I finish boarding school I’m leaving him for another trainer.
Motalko. He’ll die of heart failure!
Batsila. He has spent so many years training you!
Kometa. Let him die, I hate him!
Motalko. Let him die!
Batsila. Let him! But you’re not gonna leave.
Kometa. Why not!?
Batsila. He’s a great trainer.
Kometa. He’s too honest. You can’t get anything out of him. He can’t even get me a stipend.
I’ll leave.
Batsila. You won’t.
Kometa. I will!
Batsila. And if you don’t, you’re a wuss!
Kometa. (thoroughly debating the matter) Deal!
Batsila. Alright, fine.
Some time passes when all that can be heard is the sound of them snacking on nuts.
13 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Kometa. OK girls, what are you giving your boyfriends for Defender of the Fatherland Day?
Batsila. A postcard.
Kometa. And you?
Motalko. I don’t know, he didn’t even wish me Happy New Year.
Kometa. Don’t laugh, but I promised to give Hamlet a hand job.
Batsila. Gross!!!
Motalko. I don’t know, I couldn’t do that.
Kometa. You just have to get used to it!
Motalko. It’s kinda disgusting.
Kometa. But also interesting!
Motalko. Then again, I don’t want to waste any money on him.
Batsila. Nah, I’ll give him a postcard.
Kometa. And what if someone tells you: Either you get kicked out of boarding school or you
have to stroke Repin’s dick?
Batsila. That’s some comparison! And what if someone tells you: Either you start doping or
you’ll finish second for the rest of your life? What would you choose, eh?
Motalko. What about the hair on your boobs?
Kometa. You can pluck the hairs.
Batsila. So you don’t want to be second?
Kometa. I haven’t chosen yet.
Batsila. Choose!
Kometa. Drop dead!
Batsila. No, seriously! Why not take some pills if it means first place?
Kometa. It depends where.
Motalko. What do you mean, where?
Kometa. Where you win second place. If it’s at the World Championships, then that’s a
different story.
Batsila. So you’d take them for first place at the World Championships?
Kometa. Will you let your husband cum in your mouth?
Batsila. What’s that got to do with anything? Of course not!!!
Kometa. I will. Because, it’s my husband.
Batsila. Are you stupid or something? I’m talking about sports, and she’s…
Kometa. I’m also talking about sports.
Motalko. Girls!
Batsila. But seriously, what’s that got to do with anything?!..
Kometa. Fine, let’s go to bed. Tomorrow’s workout is gonna be tough…
A dream in a different bed – you’ll dream up a fiancé for your wedding day.
Motalko. A dream in a different bed – you’ll dream up a fiancé for your wedding day.
Batsila. A dream in a different bed – you’ll dream up a fiancé for your wedding day.
Motalko (gasping with delight).
It was my first training camp. I’ve never had so much fun! Just imagine: Yalta, the sea, the fun!
Our boss gave us daily allowances. We went to a restaurant and ate pelmeni with vinegar. And then on the
embankment – jelly, and on Sadovaya Street – cakes. And then fish with milk at the deli. There’s tons of
fish there! Cometa really loves fish and nuts. And I love them too.
And we also went to the hairdresser and had our hair done! Then they bought some hydropyrite at the
pharmacy and painted their room. It turned out beautifully! Batsila’s bangs fell off after two days, though,
14 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
and now she’ll soon have a little hedgehog spike in that spot. The boss was hysterical when he came into
our room. He calls us “typhoid poodles” while he’s nearly bald himself.
And we also met some cool weirdos! Wrestlers, soccer players, and local dorks! In short, everyone! I liked
the musicians from Belarus, but Cometa said they were lousy, hairy freaks. We almost had an argument
because I didn’t really like the wrestlers from Armenia.
We could smoke as much as we wanted! We just went out to the embankment and got loads of them! They
already recognized us and just handed us a stack.
I want to live like this forever! But we have to leave tomorrow…
Of course, I cried about my fencer, because I have a bad feeling that he is cheating on me. But Cometa
said she’d take me to room 413. And that’s cool.
We also rode the cable car, the one that Banana and Drubich rode. And that was it!
I also tried beer for the first time here. I didn’t like it. The coach was getting on our nerves, of course. He
was always imagining things. Comet even kicked him with her cleats during practice. Now he’s sulking.
Today, he took all our shoes again for the night. And the boys are bursting with excitement under the
windows, calling us. The boss is watching outside the door. And we women are writing our diaries. So
that we’ll have something to remember later. Because someday, everything will be in the past…
ROOM 413
(Motalka enters room 413 with trepidation. The room is full of people. They sit in pairs and threes on the
beds, talking quietly and thoughtfully to each other in an incomprehensible language. Complete gibberish
like the ravings of the insane. Motalka watches them in horror and tries to call out to Comet. But Comet
cannot hear or see her.)
Motalko. What’s that smell? Guys! It stinks of glue!
The fencer appears from somewhere. He has a bag and a tube of glue in his hands. He squeezes the glue
into the bag and brings it to each of the people present. They cling to it like blind kittens to a cat, eagerly
inhaling the smell. The fencer’s task is to take the bag away in time, refresh it, and bring it to the next
person.
Motalko. Gimme!
Sabre fencer. Why should I?
Motalko. Come on, give it!
Motalka huffs the glue. Breaking away from the bag, she is amazed to discover that those around him are
once again speaking “like humans,” in an even, friendly tone, hearing and understanding each other.
Cometa. Nice of you to come, Motalka.
Balitsa. I’m just telling Comet how jealous I am of her..
Cometa. Don’t envy me. It’s hard for me..
Balitsa. You’re doing great, you’re getting good results and your teeth are straight.
Cometa. Taranovskaya keeps out running me. All the time!
Balitsa. I’ll die if you beat her.
Motalko. You poor woman, Batsila
Cometa. Poor woman.
Balitsa. And you, Motalko, I’m jealous of you too.
Motalko. Why me?
Balitsa. You play the guitar, you have pretty hair, and have beautiful green eyes. What do I have?
Motalko. You’re a little introverted I guess.
15 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Balitsa. If only you knew how hard it is for me! How hard it is for me to wash my socks every day after
training, how hard it is for me to wake up in the morning, much harder than it is for you! I always pretend
that I’m a neat freak, but in reality, I don’t understand why I have to wash my socks after every workout
and my underwear every night! I don’t have any stains or odors! And I hate swapping clothes with you, if
only you knew! And if I don’t do it, you’ll hound me to death!
Cometa. We’ll consider that.
Motalko. Of course we will!
Balitsa. You guys drive me crazy…
Cometa. Well, let’s go!…
Rapier Fencer (pulling head out of glue-huffing bag). Oh, here comes Galka Motalko!
Sabre fencer. Your Galka is a little dumb, but I want to hang out with her. I want to go to the stadium
with her so everyone thinks we’re dating. And I would say: yeah I’m dating her cause I’m bored. And we
would french kiss all the time. Even when she’s eating.
Motalko. Even though you’re older, you’re just like my classmates. You smell like a dog. Your mouth is
all slobbery, and no one wants to be with you. I’m here for your friend.
Rapier Fencer (to the sabre fencer under his breath). Yeah I feel sorry for her, but I’ll dump her. (out
loud) Galka, I have so much tenderness for you! I will never forget you, but I will definitely leave you!
Motalko. Yeah, I get it… That’s how it goes. You should marry someone smart and mature. Why would
you want a loser like me?
Repin. And my acne won’t go away. I’ve been treating it for several years. I even drank urine for two
months. Nothing helped. Now I pick at it with dirty hands and drag myself around. And everyone
ignores me.
Balitsa. That’s right. What difference does it make if they notice you anyway?
Repin. I know one smart thing: if you want to be a man, pick at your pimples.
Motalka joins another group of people.
Unfortunate Shot Putter. Once he was kissing my neck by the campfire, and the next day, as if nothing
had happened: “Hi, Zheka! I cut my wrists! So what? I want love too.”
Aunt Tanya. It’s a shame I noticed the hickeys. I had to report you to the coach and the director, and you
were expelled from the boarding school. But I could have got rid of those hickeys with onions.
Unfortunate Shot Putter. It’s okay, it’s your job. But I’ll get you back someday.
Aunt Tanya. What are you doing now? Tell me about yourself.
Unfortunate Shot Putter. I returned to Zhmerinka, to my parents’ house. I tried prostitution, but it didn’t
work out. I drink a lot, smoke as much as I can, and steal my grandmother and grandfather’s pension.
Aunt Tanya. Well, look how you’ve settled in! I’m happy for you!
Motalko. And why are you here?
Aunt Tanya. I’m watching you, how could I not?
Motalko. I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time that I hate you.
Aunt Tanya. I understand.
Motalko. You’re such an idiot!
Aunt Tanya. Who would have thought?! I’ve been working with teenagers for thirty-five years, and I
know everything about you. You’re crazy! I like young people in their twenties, there’s something for me
to envy there… But I really don’t like you. You’re nothing but germs.
Repin. Go fuck yourself, bitch!
Aunt Tanya. You smell like shit…
The sabre fencer hands Repin a package.
16 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Cometa (after another dose of glue). I love fish, apples, and nuts… all my girlfriends are pretty… corduroy
pants… dad drinks, mom sews, but I can’t run every day, I won’t come back for anything, my legs are sore,
Hamlet wants a virgin, I have to impress my boss because I always…
She falls onto the pillow. The saber fencer covers her with a blanket.
Hamlet enters the room. He says something in an incomprehensible language, gesturing wildly. The
saber fencer brings him a bag of glue. After taking a few deep breaths, Hamlet joins the conversation.
Repin. You’re crazy, Hamlet!
Hamlet. You’re crazy, Repin!
They laugh together.
Repin. No, you’re the one who’s crazy, Hamlet!
Hamlet. Oh, no, you’re the one who’s talking nonsense, Repin! You’re all talking nonsense here!
They laugh together.
Repin. You’re crazy, Repin!
Hamlet. I’m Repin? No- I’m Hamlet!
They laugh and hug each other.
Athletics arena. Comet, Motalka, and Bacila perform the “Flea” exercise. Three sets of ten repetitions.
Motalka silently curses under her breath.
SPORTS LOVE TWO
Rapier Fencer. You know something?
Motalko. What.
Rapier Fencer. Remember when I told you about that chick in the woods?
Motalko. The virgin?
Rapier Fencer. Yeah.
Motalko. How could I forget? You went to take a piss, and she, twenty-five years old, followed you, and
well…
Rapier Fencer. Yeah, it’s all bullshit.
Motalko. Really?
Rapier Fencer. The first time was with some drunk girl. She was fat, drunk, and underage. That doesn’t
count.
Motalko. Why are you telling me this?
Rapier Fencer. Just so you know that only you count.
Motalko. You want me to jump for joy or something?
Rapier Fencer. Do whatever you want.
Motalko. Jump for joy yourself.
Rapier Fencer. I’m jumping.
Motalko. Anything else you wanna tell me?
17 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Rapier Fencer. I graduate in a month..
Motalko. Anything else?
Rapier Fencer. I’m leaving.
Motalko. What about me?
Rapier Fencer. What about you? Like, good luck with school.
Athletics arena. Comet and Bacila do pistol squats. Three sets of ten repetitions.
THE UNFORTUNATE SHOT PUTTER
(Room 217. Motalka is suffering on the bed. Batsila and Comet are getting dressed up to go somewhere.)
Cometa. Motalka, give me your pants, and I’ll give you a trowel!
Motalko. I don’t want a trowel.
Cometa. Then I’ll take the green jacket from Batsila, give it to you, and I’ll give her my trowel, and you
give me your trousers.
Balitsa. Ehh…
Motalko. Ok.
Cometa. What’s your deal?
Balitsa. Hey, Motalka. What’s your problem?
Motalko. Everybody’s a bitch.
The Unfortunate Shot Putter enters. Large, freshly made-up. The women throw themselves at her with a
squeal.
Cometa. Zheka! Where’d you come from?
Balitsa. When did you get here?
Unfortunate Shot Putter. I’m off the train, ladies! I’ve come to enrol at the institute. Straight from the
institute to you. I’ve missed you! I’ve been writing letters for half a year, and you don’t reply!
Cometa. Oh, Zheka, training, you know how it is.
Balitsa. Did the hickey go away?
Unfortunate Shot Putter. I now have a reflex: as soon as a man reaches for my neck, I strangle him.
Cometa. Meet Galka Motalka. She has your bed now.
Unfortunate Shot Putter. That’s a good bed!
Motalko (sluggishly). In general, it’s not interesting to recount what happened next. Just the usual women’s
gossip. We went to hang out at the stadium. Zheka told us about her life. It seems like everything is great
for her, although she may be exaggerating. Then we went to the forest and started drinking wine. Zheka
admitted that she sleeps with grown men. She says she won’t have children now. Because if she slept with
more than seven men, she wouldn’t have children. And that she was raped in the forest by someone when
she was walking from the beach. I told her about my problems. I didn’t tell her about the new trousers.
Only about the fencer. We cried together with the women. Then we took a knife and became sworn sisters.
I cut my hand, just to draw a little blood. But Zheka cut herself like crazy, a fountain of blood. I threw up
right away. But we still managed to become sworn sisters. Now we are blood sisters. Even Batsila.
Then we started thinking about how to get revenge on Aunt Tanya for Zheka. We thought and thought…
and came up with a great idea.
18 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
IT DOESN’T MATTER
(Sports Hall of Fame room.
Champagne on the table.
Jeans on the chair.
Motalka sits on the lap of another coach and drinks champagne.)
Foreign Trainer. You drink champagne like a child.
Motalko (offended). How so?
Foreign Trainer. I noticed you as soon as you joined the team.
Motalko. What’s there to notice?
Foreign Trainer. Try on the jeans.
Motalka obediently changes clothes behind the stand.
Foreign Trainer. Would you like to join my team?
Motalko. I’m probably not good enough.
Foreign Trainer Promising. Remember, I didn’t report you for smoking?
Motalko. In Yalta?
Foreign Trainer. I turned everyone in, but not you. Why?
Motalko (comes out from behind the counter, disappointed). They’re all the same size.
Foreign Trainer. It’s okay, you’ll grow up. (Puts her on his lap.) My little doll. These horses are made for
work. Stupid workhorses. If only you knew how they annoy me! They can’t string two words together.
You come to training, and there they are. All around. Obedient, hardy horses. But stupid! All they can do
is plough. That’s what their mothers gave birth to them for. And your mother gave birth to you to love
people. I can talk to you. Have a drink. (Strokes her knees, her back.) I like women who smoke. Come
over to my team.
Motalko. I’m not fast enough though.
Foreign Trainer. Who says you’d be running?
Motalko. Actually, I don’t drink.
Foreign Trainer. And you don’t sleep with boys?
Motalko. Alexey Nikolayevich!
Foreign Trainer. Can you imagine – you come in here wearing an old skirt, and you leave wearing new
trousers. Eh? No, just think about it!
Motalko (after agonising deliberation). But they’re too big for me!
Foreign Trainer. Eh whatever.
Motalko. We went to Aunt Tanya’s house and threw shit at the windows. Zheka got the most shit. It was
harder for me because I had cleaned everything up beforehand. I had to collect some from the dog park.
What a pain in the ass. No, we didn’t use our bare hands. Everything was very civilised. First we smeared
the door. Then we started throwing it in bags through the windows like shit grenades. There were splatters
on the walls, probably on the bed.
19 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
THEY’RE ALL BITCHES
Trainer. Why aren’t you warming up, Motalko?
Motalko (shyly) Andrei Nikolayevich, am I not allowed?
Trainer. Are you kidding me? You weren’t allowed to last week! What’s going on over there, are you
monkeys or something?
Motalko. Well, that’s how it is during puberty, not regularly…
Trainer. You do this every week! Gimme ten laps now!
Motalko. But…
Trainer. Fifteen!!! It’s you who gets excited there, constantly getting excited in the dormitory!
Motalko (with unexpected anger). You don’t understand women’s problems! You think they’re all the
same, but that’s not true at all, because we’re not machines, we’re living beings, and you’re always with
your own kind! That’s why your children don’t love you!
He throws his spikes. He runs along the track.
Trainer. Champion, my ass!
KNOCK, KNOCK
(Vice Principal’s Office)
Vice Principal (reads the note aloud). “Comet, Motalko, and I took turns standing guard, even though
we knew she was on duty and would only be there in the morning. We put bags on our hands so we
wouldn’t get dirty. We took things and threw them out the open window.” What were you throwing?
Balitsa. I don’t know how to spell it.
Vice Principal. All right, do you know how to spell your name?
Balitsa. No, I won’t give my name.
Vice Principal. Right here, neatly. (Batsila hesitates.) Don’t worry, it’s just for the archives.
Balitsa (signs her name). You promised you wouldn’t show it to anyone.
The deputy head puts away the report in a conspicuous place.
Vice Principal. Did Aunt Tanya do anything to you personally?
Balitsa. No..
Vice Principal. Why did you go with Motalko and that expelled girl?
Balitsa. Comet was there too.
Vice Principal. I understand. But you were in good standing, weren’t you?
Balitsa. “were”? You promised not to expel me if I helped you sort things out.
Vice Principal. I remember. But why did you go with them?
Balitsa. They’re my friends!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. FIFTEEN YEARS OLD TODAY
In Motalko’s room, hanging on the wall is a big sign: Happy Fifteen! Loud, mind-numbing pop
music is playing. Galka rolls over on the floor, bangs her head on the wall, throws up on her
hair, moans and wails. She tries to strangle herself with a scarf. Then she takes a seat on the
floor. She gazes off somewhere in front of her and repeats for a long-long time:
But, please. Please!! Come on, please!!!
20 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
SPORT LOVE NUMBER THREE
Repin is drunk. Repin methodologically paws at Batsilla
Balitsa. I’m leaving for another trainer…
Repin. Should I tell all the girls about you?
Balitsa. I’m going to move to a different room.
Repin. You’re a pig. You set them up.
Balitsa. They won’t let Kometa go, she’s got a Master’s in sports.
Repin. Because of you they’re going to kick out Motalka.
Balitsa. She’s not an athlete, she’s – a wuss.
Repin. O yea and who are you? Some kind of god we bow to?
Balitsa. If they kicked me out, then that would be the end. The end of everything.
Repin. So now what? You rat!
Balitsa. And now what? So you like despise me or something? Fine, kick me out! You mean
nothing to me! Just go and throw people away like me, people like me you just kick out
out-out-out!
Repin. Shut up! I’m not going to dump you, plague! I’ll go with you to another city, wherever.
No one will know that it’s you!… Or as long as I don’t kill you!
Balitsa (after wailing). I don’t want to live!
Repin. Nonsense.
ON THE RIGHT PATH
Director of Studies, Aunt Tanya and Motalka.
Aunt Tanya. Aye-yaie-yaie!
Vice Principal. Yup, there’s no way out…
Aunt Tanya. What are you going to do now, you poor goose? The trainer doesn’t want you.
Vice Principal. See what’s happened to you?
Aunt Tanya. Oh and leave the guy alone. He’s a good guy. He’s from a good family.
Vice Principal. Sergei? The fencer?
Aunt Tanya. You’ve already ruined the guy… He has graduation and finishing exams. Get out
of the way, you’re not a couple!
Vice Principal. Aye-yaie-yaie…
Aunt Tanya. Whatever, maybe you can go work in the factory or maybe someone will marry
you? She’s still laughing! How sad!
Vice Principal. Yes…
Aunt Tanya. Just look at her: she died her hair. You think that will make your brain grow? She
painted her nails! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself!? You’re still just a young girl!!!
Vice Principal. You’re a monster, Моtаlkо, and this place is for those who are disciplined, this
place is for those fit for the Olympics, we don’t have the space for this sh…, this
insolence…
Aunt Tanya (to the director, sighing quietly). Her poor mother, how she cried, how she begged.
Vice Principal. I did all I could… all that I could…
Aunt Tanya. This isn’t an orphanage, it’s not charity.
Vice Principal. Come on now, go, Motalko. It’s time to go…
21 Galko Motalko trans. Weygandt and Nash
Motalko. I’m collecting my things. I don’t have that much. It’s half a shelf of things I kept in
Batsila’s closet. It’s neat how now everyone talks to me in a different way. Like they pity
me. I have the feeling that I’ve already bolted. Ahead of me are many roads, as it goes in
all those songs. Man, how they just cut me off. I can’t imagine how they are going live
without me, or how someone else is going to sleep in my bed… I just think that without me
here everything will come to an end. It will just end once and for all. And only I can turn it
back to the way it was…Awesome…
A fortune teller told me that everything is going to be alright even though its seems that
everything will be awful. I just won’t matriculate into the Institute of Athletics. I don’t
want to anyway. Everyone should make decisions for themselves.
So me and the girls went to Victory Park and a bunch of gypsies told our furtune. Kometa
is going to have three husbands and one competitor who will always finish ahead of her.
Batsila will lead a long and happy life in a small town. She’ll have a kid. And they
predicted that everything in my life will work out. They didn’t ask for any money. Then
they went back to the sabre fencer’s room, hung out, and listened to music. From his
window you can see the fencing ring. The windows are big. My ex-sabre fencer is fencing.
He knows I’m watching and so he starts doing fancy footwork. The sabre fighter had
asked: Where will we be in five years? It makes no difference to me. All I know is that this
was the best year of my life. And the shortest.
And I also learned how to play the guitar, and how to make it through life and figure
people out and everything… But I don’t believe in a sportsman love anymore.
Fine, it’s better I be quiet and return my equipment, or else they’ll always remember me as
such an idiot. Hey, Batsila, give me back my old sneakers!
The stadium. The trainer fastens a car tire to Kometa. There’s a rope tied around the tire that
hooks to the belt of the athlete. Kometa gets ready for three laps. It’s really hard to run with that
kind of tire. Especially 3 x 100. But when the tire is released it feels as though there’s a
parachute on your back and you don’t weigh a thing. You can beat a world record because you
fly like a bird! It’s a very helpful exercise.
The End.